Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Another day in paradise...

I really suck at this blogging thing.  I'm not even going to do the whole "starting today, I'm going to start writing more!" declaration, because I know it will probably be another month before I post anything again. ;)

I open up Blogger this evening because I am worn out and just feel like there's something in me that is just dying to get out.  (Plus, it is just another way for me to procrastinate and put off doing my homework just a little bit longer.)  I can't focus on anything.  I'm edgy all the time.  I can't relax or sleep (except when it's not time to sleep, of course).  So here I am.  Putting words together.  Hoping whatever is inside of me will just express itself already so that I can move on.

I am so exhausted.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  (Isn't it interesting that spiritual exhaustion is the only one that can be revived by doing more things relating to it?)  Every day this week, I have come home and  have no energy to do anything.  I either zoned out or took a nap for an hour and a half, and then I find anything and everything to do to put off doing work a little bit longer.  And considering how much I have to get done in such little time, that definitely can't be happening.  I'm in complete denial mode.  I feel like I'm a stubborn child who just folds her arms, pouts, and says, "No! I don't wanna!"  I just want to walk away from it all sometimes.  If I don't think about it, it will all just go away and fix itself, right?

I think "overwhelmed" is an understatement.  I have to get some energy if I want to survive the next three and a half weeks and pass my classes and keep my job.  Sometimes I really don't know if I can make it much longer at this job.  It's so wearing, in all aspects of the word.  I love teaching.  And that's why I'm having such a hard time with this job, because I don't get to teach very often.  All I do is discipline and go crazy.  Every single day.  I can't go one class period without having to raise my voice.  I've tried just not letting it get to me (all the talking, disruptions, smacking, defiance, etc.) and just stay cool and calm, but it gets to a point where they are just completely out of control and the only way I can get them in control is to scream so they can all hear me and know I'm serious.  And by the time it's gotten to that point, I'm already severely pissed off, so I end up just screaming a lecture at them for five minutes.  Sigh...  Anyway...I'll move on and stop venting on a tangent.  I love teaching.  But I don't love this.  Don't get me wrong, I've had some good times.  But the bad times far outweigh the good.  Far far outweigh.

So I don't know...I'm not giving up (mainly because I don't have the guts to confront the principal and actually quit, admitting that I failed and just can't handle it).  But it's really really hard.  And I'm not going to lie and say it isn't.  Every day I leave near tears and think, "I'm not so sure I want to do this anymore...".  But it's a job, and if I can survive it, it's really going to have amazing impact on my career in the future.  I know that when thinking big picture, it is totally going to be worth it.  And I know that I don't have to do this forever.  And I know that I don't want to do this forever.  I'm thankful for my experience here and I know I always will be, but I know that I'm not cut out for this for the long run.  So I need to just appreciate and be thankful for the time that I do spend here, and take comfort knowing that I will be led wherever I am meant to go.

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