Allen Update

I feel I have an amazing story to tell, but I don’t even know where to begin.  I think Dustin put it best the other night when he said, “Baby, we’re fine.  The fact that neither of us have had a panic attack or mental breakdown at this point is really quite miraculous.  We’re up against some incredible odds.”

And he’s right.  We’ve gone through a lot of shit together in our short first year of marriage.  When I count the amount of challenging situations or problems we’ve had since getting married, it blows my mind that they all have happened within the past 14 months. 

When we decided to move down to Louisiana, we knew we were leaving a lot behind.  The boys.  School of Rock.  Our friends.  Our family.  Our music.  Our home.  We thought long and hard about what we wanted to do.  We knew we had to make some sacrifices, but we truly believed that by taking the step to leave all of that for a while to pursue the opportunity we saw in Louisiana, we would be able to help make all of the things listed above better.  We know that some of our decisions may seem hasty or insensible to some people, but we rely on ourselves and what our hearts are saying.  We follow that inner voice, trusting that we are working for divine good.  We have faith that if this is really what we are meant to be doing, then things will work out.  We’re going to be fine.  Nothing can keep our good from us.  Nothing can separate us from that divine good that is rightfully ours.  It’s like the bible verse: “Nothing can separate us from the love of God.”

So we took a chance.  We said goodbye to all that we had established in Terre Haute in the hopes that the move to Louisiana would bring a better and brighter future for all.  Well, it didn’t quite work out that way…

Being away from the boys is hard.  Really really really hard.  A lot harder than we expected.  And we expected it to be hard.  The first few months were manageable, but after that, we started to notice it negatively effecting parts of our lives.  We’d both get really down and homesick, especially Dustin.  He could go a week or two, but come week three or four, he was really missing his boys.  It started to affect his mood and attitude on things, noticeably.  Even Phil had mentioned how he can tell when Dustin’s gotten to the point where he needs to see his boys.  He said he can see a noticeable difference afterwards.  Like the boys “heal” him, he used to say. 

So things were already getting pretty rough, and then we found out that Rebecca had accepted a job in Asheville, NC and that she and the boys were planning to move there June 1^st.  Now, we can’t get mad at her decision to move because we were the ones to move first, after all.  Rebecca had asked if we’d be willing to move out of Indiana a few times in the past, but we were always hesitant.  Our families were in Indiana.  My career and schooling, School of Rock, etc.  No, we didn’t want to leave.  But then Dustin was presented with the Louisiana opportunity and we had to severely reconsider it all.  So, feeling like a hypocrite, I knew that when we moved down there, it was only a matter of time before Rebecca decided to move, too.  Which she has every right to do.  So we weren’t really mad when we found out.  We were more just like, “Ok, so how do we make this work?”

At first, we were planning on still staying in Louisiana for another year or so with OPS, and then Phil was potentially going to open up an office in NC so we could be with the boys.  So we were fine with that, but then another month or so goes by and we realize that we just really can’t take it anymore.  It’s too hard being away from them.  We’re starting to see it affect the boys, which breaks our hearts.  They talk about how much they miss him and then they can’t really grasp the idea of how long it will be before they see Daddy again and whether we’re going to be in Louisiana, Indiana, or North Carolina.  Dustin finally got a chance to talk with Phil about how he can’t stay another year, and we agreed that we’d stay for the summer and started making plans to move to Asheville in August. 

Well, then we had to say goodbye to the boys as they left for Asheville on Sunday.  Everyone was an emotional wreck, including the boys.  This move is going to be rough for them at first.  So we realized that if we’re going to move to North Carolina, we need to go ahead and do it now because we need to be by the boys.

When we said goodbye to them, Matisse asked Dustin, “When will I see you again, Daddy.” 

Dustin frowned, “Well, I don’t really know, buddy.  Probably a few weeks or a month.”

“So in a couple of mornings??” Matisse asked.

It’s heartbreaking to not really know how long it will be before we see them again and then try to explain that concept of time to a child.  

As we were loading the car, Julien kept going around the house telling everyone how much he was going to miss them.  Rebecca’s mom and grandma were teary messes, and so were Dustin and I.  So much to the point that we realized we need to get to North Carolina as soon as we can.  As in like, now.  They need us there.  And we need to be there.  For them and for us.  We’re all going to be a lot happier once we’re all together.  Now it’s just getting there…

I’ve spent the last eight days scouring the internets and media for a place to live in Asheville, and we are making plans to be there by July 1^st.  That’s less than three weeks. (holy.crap)  It’s exciting yet terrifying all at the same time.  We should have our housing situation settled by the end of the week, and then the packing begins.

I thought if I said goodbye to Louisiana, it would be to go home to Indiana.  Now I’m letting the idea settle that I may very well live the rest of my life in Asheville, NC…  I really do feel like it’s the perfect place for us, and I can’t wait to see what good is going to come from moving there.  Though, I’ll admit, things are a little frightening at times (moving there with no jobs lined up, for one…), but that fear helps open my mind to creative ideas and solutions.  We get to choose whether our life situation is good or bad.  It’s all about attitude.  And I am deciding that my life situation is going to freaking rock. :)

Love and Blessings,

Kim

Teaching Memoir

One of the classes I'm taking this semester is a creative writing class for teachers.  Not only do we learn how to become  better creative writing teachers, we learn how to be come better creative writers.  We pick on piece that we work on and fine-tune throughout the entire semester.  It's actually the second class in a three part series.  (I took the first part last spring.)  I absolutely love  it.  I think it's mainly because it forces me to write since technically it's homework.  Last year, I started writing my memoir, which I will one day get to a point where I am comfortable sharing it.  I feel like personal narrative writing is my strongest skill, so I decided to go with it this semester as well. And this is what I came up with.  It's still a work in progress, and there's a lot more I want to do with it, but I'm happy with how it's turning out. Enjoy! :)

________________

I've been asked, "You teach at Carroll Junior?" in that, "Are you crazy?!" tone many times in the past few months since moving to Louisiana.  I've also seen the wide eyes when I answer the cheerfully asked question, "Oh, you're a teacher? Where do you teach?" (as if being a teacher were the most adorable and innocent thing ever) with the dreaded reply, "Carroll Junior".  Normally, I say “Carroll Junior” as if it’s a question because I'm not sure what the response will be.  I grasp onto the small hope that maybe this person has never heard of the all-black, worst performing junior high school in the area whose students are known to be a step away from juvenile hall or a mental asylum, but that rarely happens.  Some people I speak with are encouraging, saying that the school needs good teachers like me to really make a difference.  Others are shocked and deplored, saying I need to quit right away and run for the hills.  There was even one fellow teacher who tried to convince me I could do better and gave me the name and number of the superintendent in the neighboring district.  She said that someone with my personality and experience would do better over there. 

Regardless of the spectrum of reactions, I am grateful to work at Carroll Junior, and I say it with pride.  Yes, my days are filled with students with too much swagger.  I sometimes have to yell louder than I have ever heard myself yell in my life.  I deal with constant obstinacy and obscenities.  I hear “we be” “they be” or “I be” more than I ever would have liked, and most days I sit down at my desk and wonder: Why in the world am I doing this?!  But then I look around my classroom.  I think of the students I work with – the ones who need just a little encouragement and guidance to make a better future for themselves.  I think of the teachers who have come and gone out of the classroom – the ones who gave up and couldn’t take it.  I feel that tug again deep inside my heart, and I finally admit to myself:  This – the kids, the hope and desire to do something good – This, is why I am doing this.

I consider myself a “veteran teacher” in the sense that it is not my first year teaching.  I have three full years’ experience (not to mention all of the hours spent in the classroom during my undergraduate career), but those three years were spent teaching remedial English and “life-skills” courses to first-year community college students.  Since my degree was in elementary education and I always dreamed of teaching young children, I was surprised at how fulfilled I felt when I started teaching at the community college level.  I genuinely fell in love with teaching.  And I didn’t have to worry about IEP’s and 504 plans and parent phone calls and lawsuits and state mandates.  I could just enjoy teaching.  I got to make my own schedule, and most semesters I only taught two or three days a week.  Sometimes I wouldn’t have class until 10 or 11 and could sleep in.  And the money was pretty good, too.  I had the life.  Why would I ever go back to public education when I can have all this in higher education?  So I forgot all about my elementary education degree.  I let my teaching license expire, never expecting to need it again.  I set my sights at moving up, and no one was going to stop me.

Then my husband got offered a transfer to Monroe, Louisiana – twelve hours from our home in Terre Haute.  It was a great opportunity that promised further growth in the company, basically Dustin’s dream job.  At first, I was obstinate.  There was no way I was going to just pick up and move and leave everything I had built at Ivy Tech and IU behind.  Plus, there’s the boys (my two step-sons).  How could we stand being so far away from them all the time?  Crazy idea.  No way it’s happening.  Then we were confronted with it face to face.  This opportunity in Louisiana was finally there and we could either take it and see what we can do with it or we could turn it down and stay in our comfortable little life.  We’d had a rough year due to some personal, family issues, and we were the strongest we had ever been.  That strength and faith helped us abandon our fears, let go of the “things” holding us back and just go with it.  Give it a try.  We didn’t have much to lose.

So here we are, living and working in Louisiana, and doing completely different things than we would have imagined us doing a year ago.  In a few short months, I went from having an elementary education degree but teaching remedial English at a community college in Terre Haute, Indiana to having a K-12 certification in English and teaching 7^th grade ELA in an inner-city school in Monroe, Louisiana.  Seems like a pretty drastic switch, but I adjusted surprisingly well.  I love teaching, and I truly believe that it doesn’t matter what subject, grade, or area I teach, I’m going to love it, and I’m going to be great at it.  It’s still hard for me to believe that we’re here and I’m actually doing what I’m doing.  But I believe that I’m meant to be here.

“Alright,” I say sternly as I turn away from the SMARTboard, “that’s enough with the humming!”  With a clenched jaw, I glare across the classroom filled with boys feigning innocence.  I’m frustrated and irritated after trying to teach for fifteen minutes only to face humming every time I turn my back or start to speak.  I furrow my brow and in frustration think, Those sneaky little bastards.  I just want to slap them all across the face.  But I can’t, of course.  And no, I don’t really think they’re bastards.  They are sneaky, though.  And mean.  And so…teenage-ish!  Finally, some silly straw came and broke this worn down camel’s back, and I completely lost it.  In a moment of classroom management weakness, I ended up screaming, “I’m not putting up with any more of your shit!!!” to my fifth hour, all-boys class.  Of course, all the ooooo’s started from there as they realize that Teach means business.  A handful got sent to the vice principal, and after talking with him after class, we decided that about ten of them would get lunch detention the next day.  During my prep hour the following day (right after the class involved in the above incident), the vice principal stuck his head in and said he needed to tell me something but for me not to worry because I wasn’t in trouble or anything. 

“I had all those boys in my office during lunch today,” he tells me.  “I was talkin’ with ‘em about how they can’t get away with treatin’ you the way they did yesterday.  They all started hollerin’, ‘Oh, but Mr. Kennedy, she was cussin’ at us!!’” 

My eyes got a little wide when I thought back to my moment of classroom management weakness.  He quelled my nerves by going on.

“So I ask ‘em, ‘Do your parents cuss at you if you don’t do what they tell you to do?’ ‘Well, yeah,’ they say.  ‘Do I cuss at you if I’m telling you to sit your ass down and you don’t sit down?’  ‘Yes, sir,’ they say.  ‘Then is Ms. Allen cussin’ at you really a problem?’ And they all like, ‘No…’.” 

He laughs for a few moments, and my nerves are comforted.  He then looks up at me and says, “You know, at first, I was kinda worried about you…but now it’s good to know you’ve got some fight in ya.”  And here I am, still fighting.

“Well,” she says condescendingly, “if your entire class is completely out of control, then that’s a classroom management problem.  And I can come by and work with you one on one with that.”  I should have known better than to confront my principal and speak my opinion during a faculty meeting.  Of course it’s all just a classroom management issue.  Forget about the fact that I’m a great classroom manager.  Forget about the fact that these students have no respect or discipline for authorities.  Forget the fact that we teachers have no support from our administrators.  They know what we are dealing with.  They know what the kids are like, so why do they just blame all problems on classroom management?  The deep-seeded issues at this school go much deeper than simple classroom management problems.

When I first got hired at Carroll Junior High, I had no idea what I was in store for.  I did some preliminary research on the school, and I could tell that it was under-performing and under pressure.  I knew that it was an all-black school and that student behavior was an issue.  96% of the students are on the free/reduced lunch program.  Students have very little support at home to further their education.  It’s like I’m making up for lost time of being outside of public education and have been thrown into a situation that basically epitomizes everything that is wrong in public education and society in general. 

I walked in that first day with high hopes, channeling my inner Erin Gruwell (from Freedom Writers), determined to make a difference and have an impact on these kids’ lives.  The first couple of weeks were ok; I think the kids were being easy on me.  After a few weeks, though, I started to realize all the flaws in our school and district.  I started to realize that it’s far more than “poor classroom management” that causes the behavior problems that we teachers have.  Poverty stricken students. Crippling state and district mandates and regulations.  Poorly run schools by poorly organized administrators.  Conflict and opposition among school board members.  And most importantly, a generation of students who simply don’t care, or at least refuse to admit that they do. 

So how do we solve all these problems?  Where do we begin?  These are the questions that all teachers at this school are wondering.  And ones to which I still don’t know the answers.

Our school was visited recently by Louisiana’s new State Superintendent, John White.  He was on a “listening tour” (which I like to call “publicity stunt”) to find out what is wrong with Louisiana’s schools and what needs to be fixed.  He specifically visited our school since it is one of the lowest performing in the district.  He said that spending time with the teachers and students and listening and asking questions will help him when making decisions that affect the school and district.  My classroom happened to be one of the four he visited during his hour and a half visit to the school.  Of course, the media made it sound as if he had spent all day interacting with our students and faculty when in fact, all of his classroom visits (each only lasting 10-15 minutes)  consisted of him sitting in the back of the room, asking students irrelevant questions, and staring at the teachers quizzically for a perfect photo-op. 

If you want to evaluate me as a teacher, then come sit in my room for a couple of weeks.  Yes, a couple of weeks.  Not an hour or even one day.  They’ll be nice at first, so it will take some time for you to truly experience what I deal with on a regular basis.  (The section that was observed by Mr. White was my worst behaved class, but they were perfect angels while he and his posse of camera crews were present.)  There’s no generic professional growth plan or futile lesson plan I can write that will show you my teaching capabilities. All they do is take up valuable time I could be spending on developing engaging lesson plans that are meaningful to the students.  It’s a shame the amount of time a teacher spends on redundant paperwork and ineffective meetings or trainings.  Allow me to be responsible for my own time and use it as I see fit.  You should be able to trust me; I am a certified, licensed teacher with a degree in education, after all.  I know what I’m doing.  If you find a teacher being negligible, take appropriate disciplinary actions.  But please trust my values and judgment as a teacher and allow me to dictate what I do and do not need to do with my students.

“She’s such a good teacher, and you guys are just throwing it all away,” I hear Coach Mack say sadly as I enter the room.  Coach Mack is our inclusion teacher/head football coach.  He’s about 6’5’’ with tattooed biceps the size of my head.  He’s a big, intimidating man, but he cares more for these kids than they realize.  As I walk to my desk, I look around at the solemn look on everyone’s face.  Like a puppy who knows it did something wrong.  Coach Mack’s giving one of his pep talks, so I let him go on before I start my lesson. 

                “She cares more about you and your education than you do,” he says as he paces around the room.  “And what’s gonna happen when you fail the iLEAP because YOU (pointing to the students) don’t care?”  He lets his words sink in.  “They’re gonna blame her.”  He points to me and the whole class looks, some with emotion in their eyes though I can’t tell what it is.  Sadness?  Regret?  Disdain?  He goes on, causing their faces I still haven’t read to turn back toward him.  “They’re all gonna say it’s her fault.  They’re gonna say that she ain’t teaching you right, and that she’s a bad teacher.”  His face looks hopeless as he shakes his head and looks down. 

                “It’s just sad,” he says very matter-of-factly as he looks up.  “And it ain’t fair because it’s not her fault.  Whose fault is it?  It’s your and your parents’ fault!  You’re failing yourself because you don’t care and your parents don’t care!”  All the kids’ heads jerk up, giving Coach looks of “Uh uh, you didn’t just go talkin’ bout my momma!”  Coach Mack is one of the few not afraid to get down dirty and tell these kids what the real problem is.  (I’m sure having a lawyer as a wife helps.)  Despite some of the ugly looks, no one says a word.

“When I was going to school,” he pauses, making sure he has everyone’s attention before moving on.  He played the card we teachers all know well.  Talk about ourselves.  These kids would listen to us tell stories about our lives for hours.  All eyes were on him as he goes on, “my mama made me come home every day, and she’d sit at the table with me with a switch while I did my homework.  I couldn’t leave the house till it was all done.  If she caught me playin’ or daydreamin’, I’d get the switch across my hands.”  His words caused everyone to flinch as he imitated a small branch being whipped across his hand and wrist.  “She did this because she believed education was important.  She made me care about my education because she cared.”  He looks around the class, and all eyes are listening attentively. 

The students are silent and solemn, and I let them sit there for a minute for it all to soak in.  Then I segue into my futile vocabulary lesson since there’s a lot more important things I should be teaching this kids than how to use context clues.  But I digress.  “Alright guys, open up your vocab books to page 91, Lesson 23.  Let’s look over these words…”  With the words of Coach Mack still echoing in our heads, we continue on. 

What’s it going to take?  How many pep-talks and lectures do we have to give these kids before it sinks in and they finally start listening?  So many teachers before me have just given up.  They’ve accepted that the students won’t change, so they’ve stopped trying to make them.  To be honest, I’ve even felt that way.  When I can only squeeze in about twenty minutes of instruction time into a fifty-five minute class due to telling kids to be quiet, dealing with constant disrespect and attitude which leads to having to send students out or write up infraction sheets, sometimes I think, What’s the point? Why should I even care?  Because I won't give up.  I was created to teach.  I know that I can have an impact on these kids.  I believe I am a great teacher, and now is the time to show it.  So I take a deep breath, forget about the argument I just had with a student, forget about the suffocating negativity and hostility that fills the room, and I teach my heart out for the next twenty minutes.

Cliché New Years Post

So yes, I believe it's time. Time for the clichéd "out with the old, in with the new" post where I talk about how thankful I am for the new year and what I resolve to do differently in 2012. As cheesy as I think it is, I defer to the cliche this year due to how extremely difficult the past 12 months has been. Bad decisions with severe consequences. Family disputes. Spiritual wreckings. Divisions between those I love. Misconceptions. Misunderstandings. Ignorance. Scholastic and career challenges. Etc. I was tested to the max physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is by far the hardest year of my life. And I've gone through a divorce and sexual assault in past years.

To continue with the clichés, what didn't kill me made me stronger. Therefore, this year is a record in growth and strength as well. Despite the challenges, I am stronger today than I have ever been in my life. I'm the person I always hoped I would be. And I'm almost as strong as I know I can be.

This year was really really hard. And if you're close to me, you know how and why. And if you're really close to me, you know how hurt I was throughout the year. And I know how hurt you were. And it was the worst kind of hurt there is. The kind of hurt that turns your world upside down. The kind of hurt that takes all joy out of your life. The all encompassing, mind consuming hurt.

But luckily, what's stronger than the hurt is the love. The love that can be shared despite differences and disagreements. The unconditional, "I love you and will be there for you no matter what" kind of love. The love that forgives all wrongdoings and offenses. And the love that yearns for unity and reunion. To forget about differences and the past. To be thankful for the blessing one is to another. To be the complete embodiment of love to another. To live each moment loving in the now, for the past and the future do not exist. All that exists is now, so let's do our best to make our "nows" the best we can. Let's do everything in our ability to create the reality we long for in every area of our lives. We can't wait for something to change or someone to meet our expectations before we're able to just let it all go and create the future we want. We must take action. We must make sure the answer is yes to every question of "Is what I'm about to do going to be done in love?" and "Is this helping me create my deepest desire of what I want to experience in life?". If the answers are no or maybe, then we have some major soul searching to do. Always act in love. It really is that simple. The past does not exist. The future is not known. So why waste time obsessing over them? All we have is now. And all we need is love.

I resolve to love more. That may sound vague, but if I apply it to every area of my life which causes stress or gives me problems, I will grow in all areas and overcome all challenges.

All we have is the now.

All thoughts and actions should align with the reality that you want to experience now or the future that you want to create.

All things should be done in love. Bottom line.

I have great hopes for 2012. Hopes of much love and joy. So much it makes me smile just thinking about it. :)

Teacher Ramblings

So, I'm torn.  I was planning on implementing a new positive behavior reward system that included time reserved in class for "free time" like getting on the computer, playing games, and allowing time for fun "centers".  (If you aren't and educator and don't understand what I mean by "center", it is simply a little station in the classroom where you have a display or some sort of activity for students to do.  For example, one center I was going to put out is called "Make Your Own Origami" in which the student is provided with origami paper and an instructional book, and they can make their own origami shape or animal.  (My students fold paper up in all weird ways as it is...may as well show them how to formally do it.)  Centers are just supposed to be hands-on learning activities for students that would only take 5-10 minutes to complete.  The idea is to have a few up around the classroom for a month or so at a time for students to visit.)  So I have about four newly developed centers that I want to use.  But the problem with implementing these fun centers and other fun free-time activities is that my students are just completely terrible and I don't think they deserve any of the fun stuff!  They are completely out of control, and we are behind schedule already for this 9-weeks.  So why should I (#1) take time out of my own schedule to develop these fun activities and (#2) reward these students with fun activities when I face extreme discipline and behavior problems every single day?

But then I think about this article that I read early this semester in my research class that talks about students' anxiety levels and how they influence their productivity levels.  It seems like kind of a "well...duh" once you think about it, but the article goes much more into detail.  This article really made me think about how I interact with the kids and if I increase or decrease their anxiety levels.  I would say that I probably increase 98% of the time.  Which is sad.  A lot of these kids are anxious enough as it is without a teacher yelling at them for not bringing a pencil to class.  So this is a big reason why I've been trying to yell less in class and have less of an attitude when interacting with the kids.  (It's just so hard to find a balance because one the one hand, I want to say, "No, screw you guys, you're little jerks so why should I be nice to you?" but then, of course, on the other hand, I think "Wow, these kids have pretty rough lives, perhaps I should lighten up a little."  But then I do, and they just walk all over me...)

So back to the center dilemma...I wasn't going to put the centers out until behavior improved and students deserved it.  But then I think about the few (and I mean, few...) good students I have in each class who do deserve these fun activities.  Why should they be hindered and punished because of their classmates' behavior?  Therefore, I am going to put the centers out in the morning.  BUT, only the well-behaved students are allowed to participate.  The rest will have writing prompts to respond to or grammar work.

I truly believe that if I can make these students comfortable in my room and get through to each and every one of them, letting them know that I am here for them, I will see a major improvement. I've already had it happen to one girl.  She and I got into it good the other day.  We've really been going round and round since my first day, but it just exploded the other day.  She was defiant and extremely disrespectful, so when she smarted off to me again after several warnings and other discipline actions, I had to follow through with my threats, so she got a referral and was sent to the vice principal.  Her grandfather was called in the next morning for a parent conference, so I had to explain to him what she was doing wrong in class and why she got in trouble.  Then she and I had a little talk, and I told her that I was here for her.  I was teaching at this school to encourage her and help her succeed in life.  I told her that I can only do so much and that when I am constantly confronted with defiance and disrespect from her, I can't help her.  Then I told her I knew that deep down she was a good girl.  She's actually an excellent writer, and I told her I thought so.  By then she was crying (most do during parent conferences), and I had her look me in the eye and I told her that we were starting fresh.  And she has been excellent in class since then.  The past two days have been unreal.  No defiance, no disrespect.  She's even been participating in class.  She's still a little rough on the edges, but I really think our talk had a good impact on her.

I hope to have more instances like this with my students.  Well, maybe not the parent conference and crying part, but times where I can just get them away one-on-one and let them know that I care.  And that I want to help.  I've been thinking about incorporating conference time into this free time for centers and other activities.  I could pull kids aside one at a time and discuss their grades and behavior with them.  So we'll see.  This is such a crazy learning experience and this whole thought process I just typed out in this post is what I go through every single day.  I am constantly thinking about what I could do differently to improve my classroom.  I try one strategy one day, and if it doesn't work, I think up something new for the next day.  If it does work, I keep doing it and think about other similar things I could do that would work.

So tomorrow, I try the new strategy of learning centers, free-writing time, and student conferences.  (Of course, that's if I can get them quiet...) I hope it goes over well.  I'll keep you posted! :)

Another day in paradise...

I really suck at this blogging thing.  I'm not even going to do the whole "starting today, I'm going to start writing more!" declaration, because I know it will probably be another month before I post anything again. ;)

I open up Blogger this evening because I am worn out and just feel like there's something in me that is just dying to get out.  (Plus, it is just another way for me to procrastinate and put off doing my homework just a little bit longer.)  I can't focus on anything.  I'm edgy all the time.  I can't relax or sleep (except when it's not time to sleep, of course).  So here I am.  Putting words together.  Hoping whatever is inside of me will just express itself already so that I can move on.

I am so exhausted.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  (Isn't it interesting that spiritual exhaustion is the only one that can be revived by doing more things relating to it?)  Every day this week, I have come home and  have no energy to do anything.  I either zoned out or took a nap for an hour and a half, and then I find anything and everything to do to put off doing work a little bit longer.  And considering how much I have to get done in such little time, that definitely can't be happening.  I'm in complete denial mode.  I feel like I'm a stubborn child who just folds her arms, pouts, and says, "No! I don't wanna!"  I just want to walk away from it all sometimes.  If I don't think about it, it will all just go away and fix itself, right?

I think "overwhelmed" is an understatement.  I have to get some energy if I want to survive the next three and a half weeks and pass my classes and keep my job.  Sometimes I really don't know if I can make it much longer at this job.  It's so wearing, in all aspects of the word.  I love teaching.  And that's why I'm having such a hard time with this job, because I don't get to teach very often.  All I do is discipline and go crazy.  Every single day.  I can't go one class period without having to raise my voice.  I've tried just not letting it get to me (all the talking, disruptions, smacking, defiance, etc.) and just stay cool and calm, but it gets to a point where they are just completely out of control and the only way I can get them in control is to scream so they can all hear me and know I'm serious.  And by the time it's gotten to that point, I'm already severely pissed off, so I end up just screaming a lecture at them for five minutes.  Sigh...  Anyway...I'll move on and stop venting on a tangent.  I love teaching.  But I don't love this.  Don't get me wrong, I've had some good times.  But the bad times far outweigh the good.  Far far outweigh.

So I don't know...I'm not giving up (mainly because I don't have the guts to confront the principal and actually quit, admitting that I failed and just can't handle it).  But it's really really hard.  And I'm not going to lie and say it isn't.  Every day I leave near tears and think, "I'm not so sure I want to do this anymore...".  But it's a job, and if I can survive it, it's really going to have amazing impact on my career in the future.  I know that when thinking big picture, it is totally going to be worth it.  And I know that I don't have to do this forever.  And I know that I don't want to do this forever.  I'm thankful for my experience here and I know I always will be, but I know that I'm not cut out for this for the long run.  So I need to just appreciate and be thankful for the time that I do spend here, and take comfort knowing that I will be led wherever I am meant to go.

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

We have this poem displayed in our bathroom down in Louisiana.  I cannot tell you how much of a comfort it is to me.  I read it every single day while I'm in the bathroom getting ready, and now I have almost the whole thing memorized.  It is my favorite.  It seems like it speaks to me no matter what I am dealing with in my life.  It offers constant encouragement, reassurance, and peace.  It helps me take a deep breath and remember that, like Job, I am ok no matter what happens, and I will always be grateful.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!



*Interesting side note, the plaque in our bathroom doesn't have the last line on it.  Hmmm...

All Day Teacher Training = A Welcomed Break

I found out last night that I would be in teacher training all day today which, to be honest, was like the hallelujah chorus to my ears.  The past week has been rough, so a day spent away from my students was a welcomed break.  I felt bad for that sub, though...

The day was surprisingly nice.  The training was informative and helpful, albeit a little generic and boring at times.  And it was nice to get to hang out with some of the other teachers all day.  I'm finally getting to know some people, and I've almost learned everyone's name.  I'd come close to saying that I might just have myself some teacher friends!  ;)

I am thankful to finally start to feel more comfortable at the school.  I'm getting used to the routine and all of the various policies and rules.  I know who everyone is and who I need to talk to for help or advice (and whose advice not to take...).  Two new teachers have been hired on since me (crazy, right?!) - a math and an ELA - so I'm not the "rookie" anymore.  The principals and other teachers are starting to respect and trust me more, as well as the students.  It's a daily struggle, but they are starting to realize that I'm not going anywhere and I mean business.  My classroom is finally all settled (for the most part), and my teaching and lessons are getting into a routine and more organized.  I'm definitely feeling more confident. :)

One a side note, I take two PRAXIS tests this Saturday - English Content and English Pedagogy.  (I take a third in January - Principles of Learning and Teaching 7-12 Grade.)  I have to receive a qualifying score on both in order to get my teaching license and keep my job, so there's just a little bit of pressure. ;)  I feel prepared and ready, though, so hopefully it will go well!  I'll keep you posted!

Love,
Kim

Oh, and PS - Surprisingly, the sub said the day wasn't too bad.  I had to come up to the room a few times, and they seemed fairly controlled.  I was really taken aback by how the students treated me when the sub was there, though.  They all acted like they LOVED me, super friendly, doing what I asked them to...crazy.  I even had one student, who normally acts as though he utterly loathes me and my class and that smiling or saying anything nice would just shatter his existence, was all concerned first period when he saw a sub because he thought I was leaving. I could tell by his face that he was genuinely concerned.  I was so shocked, I called him out on it.  "What do you care?" I asked in confusion.  "You act as though you completely hate me!"  He just laughed (which I've never heard him do unless he's in the hallway with friends or joining in on the class while they laugh at me as I get angry...) and went, "Nah, Miss Allen, you're cool!"  Sigh...I swear, it feels like I'm in the Twilight Zone sometimes... :)